What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 23:58
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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Why did i forgive my father ?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
This is soul school!.
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She was in good health!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
When does a man tell a woman he has feelings for her?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Are there any nude pictures of women with big tits?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I will be 64.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She found it foreign!.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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Was to survive, this bastard.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Would this be the day?
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I waited trembling.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
It was going to be , some day.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
When she asked me how she looked .
What did i know ?
She loved him until the end.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But it wasn’t much.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
So whats the point in blame.
But, we were locked up after school.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was 9 years of age.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was scared of men, in general
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I write beautiful poetry .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We were not on the streets..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I couldn’t, believe it.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
All the time i was locked up.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She wouldn,t have been !
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I don,t even have a pension.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Comes on , in middle age.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My life is so biszare .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She married twice! .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He knew the spot.
I was seconnd youngest,
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I have no regrets .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Who then, do I blame.?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I said to her
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
So, i spoilt her more .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He resisted the act ,that day.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I think the readers, may guess!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Im still living with it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One cannot live in the past .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And i lived it daily.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We all went to grammer schools
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Ive learnt so much.
My family never makes their pension either.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was very sick at this time too.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Put me off passion for life!!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
This is how, and why children get BPD.